Given that my last post was about rights and luxuries, this probably seems like a complete about-face. It probably seems that way because it is. Today, I’m filled with sadness, longing, desire. Lust.

I lust after the American dream. I want the house. I want the dog and the backyard and the barbecue parties and the hot tub. I want the crafts room and the rec room. I want the kitchen with the double-wide fridge and ice dispenser. I want the toaster on the counter, the nice clothes in the closet and the recreational gear stored neatly in the garage.

We traveled around the world, saw the poverty and the despair, met the people who give up the little they have to serve the Lord. So how is it possible that I come home and I still long for a life the Lord has not blessed me with right now?

I look at house listings online and want to cry. We don’t even know what our future will hold, there is nothing certain about life beyond Pockets of Change. I know this is a period in my life. This is the place, the time, the life God has set before me and most of the time I praise Him for it. But today, I just want to go back to an easy life of earning money and spending as I wish. Today, I feel more human, more fallible, more caught up in the world than in the Spirit.

I guess that’s the reality of being human. Sometimes we soar, sometimes we sink. But through it all, God’s promises are true. God’s love for me is real. And God’s desire for me is to be in relationship with Him, not with the world. So today, I will set aside my own desires and seek His. I will put my requests before Him and leave them there. Because God is God, and I am not. And His will is perfect for me, even on the days I don’t feel it.

I will seek wisdom instead of wealth. I will seek integrity instead of financial interest. I will seek justice instead of jewels.

For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for He guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

- Provers 2:6-8

There’s an old familiar hymn I used to sing growing up: ‘Count your many blessings every doubt will fly,’ and the familiar chorus rings out, ‘Count your blessings, count them one by one / And it will surprise you what the Lord has done’.

I have felt spiritually discouraged lately. Feeling like what I’m doing has no Kingdom value, like I’m just taking up space and writing words and none of it is going to make a difference. I know these thoughts come from the evil one who wants to take us down, defeat us and claim victory in this battle. But knowing in my head these thoughts are not from my King and keeping it from affecting my heart are two different things.

So I spent some time this morning just reflecting on the blessings in the Pockets of Change project these last few months. It is not by our strength or smarts this project will be accomplished or be of Kingdom value. It is through Christ alone. When people ask how we’re doing this, I want to always point them to my King. Because He blesses His people and enables them to do His calling. We’re just thankful He chose us to be a part of it.

We’ve been on the road three of the last six months, between our Canada and abroad travels. We’ve enjoyed the travels and have enjoyed the time in Chilliwack as well. It’s been a good experience thus far and we’re now looking to prepare for our final leg of travel.

Going way back to June, we arrived back from our South America travels at the beginning of the month. After in-depth debriefing and catching up on sleep, we spent a couple weeks sorting through interviews and photos and preparing ourselves for the Mexico trip in July. We also spent a fun-filled week in Cranbrook to attend my 10 year grad reunion and catch up with old friends.

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Why do I needlessly carry burdens when I should be rejoicing in the Lord always? I feel physically ill when I start to think about all that lies ahead of us. We don’t have the finances needed for the whole journey yet. I don’t have the language skills. I’m sure I’m forgetting to pack something I need. We don’t feel physically or spiritually prepared. Yet Christ does not ask me to carry all this. He asks that Justin and I trust Him wholly, and that we not lean on our own understanding but in ALL our ways acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5).

It seems the Lord already knew, before I humbly came to Him early this morning, just what I needed to hear. It took forever for me to get to sleep last night, then I was awake again early this morning. That is not characteristic for me, and I usually find when I awake either in the middle of the night or early in the morning it’s because I need to spend time with my Lord. So I got up this morning, feeling heavy burdened with the weight of this project. I tried to pray, and nothing came. So I went to the family room, sat by the fire and began to read.

I have been making my way through 1st and 2nd Corinthians, Galatians, and now Philippians,  as our pastor had been doing a series on Ephesians before we left and I wanted to personally study the books surrounding that one.

I opened up where I left off last, at Philippians 3 and 4. The verse that stood out to me not only gave me a renewed sense of hope but also reprimanded me because of how easily I forget that Justin and I have never been, are not, and will never be the ones in control of the Pockets of Change project. It is His will we are doing, not our own, and He has given us the strength to move forward whether my weak self feels ready or not.

“… I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:12-13